in the morning 

before the sun 

smoke filling the air 

filling my lungs 

it’s this soft hum 

as the day creeps 

it’s this roar grating your bones 

the desire growing louder 

that hum sounding less hollow

you can hear it 

through that thick heat of summer sun 

“You’re too much.”

“You’re too loud.” 

Steam from the pavement kissing your eyes

that hum 

a dull pain 

a yelp

a moan 

as I try  

to tell my story 

“Are you crying? You’re so brave” 

       I continue 

to hear it 

those drums, no longer humming, 

       but sharp 

serrated and deep

“You’re too much.”

“You’re too loud.” 

I wonder 

Which is it

         As you applaud my braveness

with a smile on your face

  seemingly earnest 

painfully obtuse

“You’re so brave” 

that hum reverberates against skin 

     nail beds pooling with blood 

struggling to grasp at the little riddles you play for me

Are you proud of my pain? Or afraid of my words? Are you impressed by my resilience?

By the body that’s still here.

Despite it all. Despite the attempts.

Despite the never ending pull 

    To leave. To go. 

I’m not brave. I’m in pain. 

Is that what you think is so brave. 

So incredible, you insist. 

So brave. I’m so tired of your desire to feel my pain. 

You crave it. 

      The way you praise my strength. 

I’m so tired of being told,

I’m too loud

I’m too much 

I don’t think the pain will fall silent 

maybe a hum to a whisper, like soap stone on steel

   once ebbing and flowing 

following the persistent drum of my heart

Despite it all

You say I’m brave

that hum to a whisper 

sharp  

wind with teeth 

licking at my neck

Blood pools in my clavicle.

      I feel heavy with the weight of all that brave.

  An unfamiliar kind of pain 

Unlike, the creeping dark 

      unbearable pain that raised me

Pain that etches into your soul, thread by thread 

Line by line, a ribbon coiling softly around 

        your body. 

a razors edge compressing your airway. 

Thrumming at the base of your skull 

Endless pain 

The kind that wraps around you 

Dragging you 

Pulling you 

Pushing you 

Whispers of a forced path

Forged in 

   a broken existence, built on the pain of my mother 

forced into her

    forced out 

Only to spend my life 

dancing between needing to be hugged and

wanting to be buried in soil, 

craving to be set aflame. 

blood streams down my body 

over curves 

valleys 

beat up knees 

light a match, I whisper at you

The one who so proudly called me brave. 

Let my skin burn with all that brave 

fire 

flesh

sharp tickling my nose 

a choice. my choice. finally heard.

I feel it 

soft ground eager for my final embrace 

Dead flowers sitting on a stone 

my name etched in place 

Etched in bone

I beg of you to

 Set my body aflame 

   nothing left but bones and ash 

Nothing left to feel that pain

Did anyone come to my grave today?