missing you is unfamiliar 

for a long time I wished I never met you 

but now when I think of you 

waves of pain and ecstasy lap over my nerves 

my neck cracks 

licking my lips 

I bite down on my cheek 

swallowing back the blood 

Delightful 

Disgusting 

I hear that soft patter on tin 

as the storm rolls further in 

a cold travels up my spine 

my soul unravels 

thinking back 

to the middle of last night 

I had felt it  

in between the dry heaving 

tears thick like molasses 

pouring out of my eyes 

my spine ached in new ways 

with the force of something ungodly

the wall I had been building 

was torn open and I watched 

as you carved your initials into my skin 

I felt that whisper of what was left of me

float above

I could hear her 

my soul

scream out

a ribbon of steel floating against a violent wind 

I thought I must’ve been hallucinating 

I felt nothing and everything at once 

I wished I was bleeding 

to distract from the insanity

of what came next 

something shifted 

 my internal voice darkened 

a voice once soothing, with a soft lilt

turned menacing, lacking any comfort

the voice had a cool tone

a soft crackle coating my throat 

a voice like stone

a voice like death  

paralyzed by fear

fear of myself 

my eyes forced themselves open 

and watched as my soul 

wavered above, turning pitch black

menacing

taunting me as it 

soared back into this empty vessel 

this cavity of a heart 

my body

numb and raging all at once 

the void I had so carefully hidden from had cracked open 

no going back

my path eternally etched in that blue black 

void they call the night 

suddenly the numb turned to needles 

I felt my skin again 

I dragged myself from the bed 

my body now forever foreign 

my golden eyes glaring back at me

I still miss you

Pathetic  — the voice like death 

whips against my senses

missing you is now familiar 

a river of dark 

wrapping around me